When Spouses Withdraw: A Reflection on Marriage, Miscommunication, and Growth

I’ve noticed something in many marriages; patterns that repeat themselves across different couples, cultures, and even decades. Often, one spouse becomes displeased with the other. It could be over something small, or something that feels insurmountable. From what I’ve seen, and especially from the stories women share, it often begins with a sense of not being heard.

A wife may feel unseen or dismissed, even when her husband is otherwise faithful and hardworking. He might genuinely believe that providing financially, showing up at church, and remaining loyal are “enough” to secure peace in his marriage. After all, these are honorable traits. He may even compare himself to other men and think, “Surely, she should be satisfied.” But her heart may still ache for a deeper connection; a need for presence, tenderness, or emotional understanding.

When her longings go unanswered, she may begin to withdraw herself, sometimes physically. This creates tension and distance. The husband then feels cornered, with limited options on how to respond.

• Option A: Work at the issue she’s raising.

• Option B: Withdraw from her emotionally, maybe even physically.

• Option C: Seek fulfillment outside the marriage.

And sadly, many men skip Option A. Why? Sometimes pride. Sometimes fear of appearing weak. Sometimes the issue feels unfixable, whether emotional, behavioral, or even physical.

But here’s the truth: the wife’s withdrawal is wrong too. Withholding intimacy as a tool to manipulate is a form of control, it’s using power instead of love. The husband’s avoidance or straying is equally destructive, rooted in selfishness and lack of accountability. Both, in their own way, end up pointing the finger at the other, forgetting that marriage is not about winning against your spouse, it’s about winning with your spouse.

The Bible speaks directly to this tension. “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:4). This scripture is not a license for selfish demand, but a reminder that in marriage, our bodies belong to one another. Yes, this can be difficult when we feel our spouse doesn’t “deserve” us in the moment. But marriage is a covenant, a oneness, and intimacy should flow from that bond, not be used as leverage.

At the same time, no husband wants his wife to feel like intimacy is a mere obligation. And no wife wants to feel her husband is only “checking a box.” The goal is joy, mutuality, and closeness. That’s why Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:25 matter so deeply: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The standard is not domination, but sacrificial love. When both husband and wife embrace this calling, intimacy becomes not a chore, but a delight.

A Personal Reflection

When my husband and I first got married, I remember desiring for him to gain weight, specifically in the form of muscle. It may sound trivial, but to me it felt important. I communicated it, but it didn’t happen on my timeline.

Over time, I began to feel like my husband was making excuses instead of progress. And even when he did make progress, he would eventually slow down and, little by little, drift back to a thinner weight that wasn’t very appealing to me. That was really frustrating. Out of that frustration, I would sometimes say things I didn’t truly mean; sharp words, spoken more to be heard than to build up. And I’ve realized I’m not alone in this. Many spouses, especially wives, fall into this trap: we speak harshly, not because we don’t love, but because we feel invisible or ignored.

But here’s what I also came to see: from his side, it wasn’t always about excuses. Sometimes he was genuinely tired, sometimes his priorities were different, and sometimes he didn’t feel the same urgency I felt. What looked like a lack of effort to me may have felt like a reasonable pace to him. And that’s where perspective matters in marriage. We may be looking at the same situation, but from completely different angles.

The problem is, frustration rarely produces fruit. Harsh words don’t inspire change, they harden hearts. What I had to learn (and am still learning) is the importance of surrender. We cast our cares to the Lord, we communicate honestly with our partners, and then we pray. When we don’t see the results we want right away, that doesn’t mean we give up or resort to manipulation. It means we look for ways to support. Maybe that’s going to the gym together, helping with meal prep, or offering consistent encouragement instead of constant criticism.

Marriage has a way of teaching us that love is more than desire, it’s patient action. It’s not just pointing out what’s wrong but rolling up our sleeves and saying, “Let’s work on this together.”

What We Can Learn

1. Communication without Manipulation A wife’s voice is valuable. A husband’s needs are important. Both deserve to be heard without resorting to silent treatment, withdrawal, or control. Healthy communication means stating what we need without punishing when it’s not instantly met.

2. Accountability without Ego Husbands, providing financially and staying faithful are foundational, but they don’t exempt you from emotional presence. Wives, being nurturing and supportive is beautiful, but it doesn’t release you from extending grace when change is slow. Both partners must be willing to say, “Maybe I am part of the problem too.”

3. Unity over Winning A marriage thrives when the mindset shifts from me vs. you to us vs. the problem. When spouses see each other as teammates, even hard conversations become opportunities to grow rather than battles to win.

4. Guarding the Sacred Intimacy - emotional, physical, and spiritual; should never be weaponized. When it is, trust erodes. Guarding the sacred means respecting each other’s needs while remembering that your body, your time, and your heart are shared in covenant love.

   
   

Tools to Apply

• The Pause Principle: Before reacting to disappointment, pause and ask, Am I trying to control, or am I trying to connect?

• Weekly Check-ins: Set aside time to talk openly, not about bills or logistics, but about the heart. Ask each other, “How are you really doing?”

• Shift the Lens: Instead of asking, “What am I not getting?” ask, “What am I not giving?” It softens the heart and makes room for grace.

• Pray Together: Not as a ritual to check off, but as a way to place your marriage under the only One who can truly heal hearts.

Couple’s Connection Game

Here’s a short activity to help you and your spouse reflect and grow together:

Game: “Exchange of Hearts” 💕

1. Each spouse writes down one area where they feel most heard and valued in the marriage.

2. Each spouse then writes down one area where they wish to be heard more clearly.

3. Exchange the papers.

4. Read them silently first, then discuss them gently. The goal is not to defend yourself but to listen.

5. End by each sharing one commitment: “This week, I will try to…”

(fill in with a practical step of support).

The goal of this game is to remind both of you that your bodies, your time, and your words belong not just to yourselves, but to each other and that intimacy is more than physical; it’s rooted in listening, giving, and sacrificial love.

Final Thought 💭

Marriage is never static, it’s a living relationship that requires humility, patience, and intentionality from both husband and wife. Displeasure will come. Miscommunication will happen. But when we stop seeing each other as the problem and instead face the problem together, marriages not only survive, they flourish.🪴

Closing Resource

If this reflection speaks to you, I encourage you to also read my blog on Biblical Marriage, where I go deeper into how covenant love works in practice.